On a packed aircraft, waiting for the plane to taxi, the pilot warned us that it was going to be a bumpy flight. It was pouring outside, the driving rain coming down in sheets. Of course takeoff was going to be dicey. But he told us to expect turbulence for the duration, and especially when we landed.
I didn’t think too much of it. Not really. But my inner voice … she had things to say.
This was just after I watched Love Story, the documentary about JFK Jr. and Caroline Bassett Kennedy. And although I haven’t been a nervous flyer in a long time, the inadvertent what-ifs flowed through my active brain. They flew in difficult conditions and didn’t survive.
My predominant thought was very simple though, “have you said everything you need to?”
No. My inner voice was certain.
I’d just seen my kids, parting with hugs. They know how much I love them. I’d talked to family and friends recently — the ones who’ve been there all along. But there was something nagging at me — an apology that I wasn’t sure I wanted to give. An apology that I’d been avoiding. Sometimes it’s just easier to say nothing and let things end, as I had with someone I care deeply about but who I needed space from.
As we taxied for takeoff, I knew I was wrong.
In the end, the flight — like so many others I’ve been on, including the one pictured above — was mostly uneventful. We landed in cold Maine, and I stepped from the plane knowing what I needed to do for my inner health. And so I did. I composed the simple apology, expecting nothing in return. I didn’t want to leave it unsaid any longer.
Ultimately, I have no idea how that small gesture was received. There was no reply . But that wasn’t the point. The apology was about clarity, not renewed connection. I said what I needed to, and that individual could accept it or reject it. That’s the free will of it all.
In the last year, I have spent much time pondering relationships, communication, connection and what it means to really be who I want to be. I am imperfect, but that is what makes me human. It’s okay not to be perfect, I’ve learned, as long as I aim to be a good version of me. I won’t always succeed, and that’s okay too.
But back to communication, and the things we leave unsaid. What does that accomplish? There’s power and peace in saying those things you want to but aren’t for whatever reason. The people you care about — even those who aren’t in your life anymore — deserve that closure too.
Words have so much power, and saying the thing can have so many reverberations. I think back to an apology I received last year that was decades in the making. It was the most unexpected thing and also the greatest gift. That simple apology freed me from so much pain and clarified things in the most beautiful way.
And in the end, after much self-reflection, several wrong turns and a lot of writing, it helped me reconnect with my inner voice. She’s quite brilliant, actually, when I listen. Now I can way more often.
So really, saying those things we hold back can be the most kind and healing thing of all. And it shouldn’t take a moment of anxiety to make that happen.
